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The Betrayed, The Addicted, The Expert

Feb 11, 2020

Each month the members on our premium site get to submit questions and we answer those in an audio file that is posted on that site.  Click Here

The following are questions that were submitted: 



What do you do when you don’t feel like you want to emotionally connect and be vulnerable with you spouse?


From my husband- As I’m working on my sex addiction recovery, I am also experiencing outbursts of anger. Can the anger issues be resolved by the work in my addiction recovery?


What are all your thoughts on the saying "sobriety is not recovery"? 


I am in a 3 year relationship and I don't feel physically attracted to my partner, I've used porn for 6-8 years and have been sober for 2 years with 1 relapse early on in the 2 years, I find it tempting to look at attractive women on the street. I find it hard to give genuine compliments about my partner and their physical appearance. Every time I try to, I ask myself internally and try to confirm about whether what I whether I find something physical/otherwise about them attractive and I never feel that I can say anything nice about them. Every time I don't give a compliment, they feel worthless and inadequate and this makes me feel anxious. How can I work on this and give genuine compliments? 


Okay, so I think my husband is sitting in "victim mode."  He's mopey a lot of the time and he's blaming me for his short comings.  When he walks into the room I'm in, he looks at me and starts to cry.  I'm a super codependent person...and I'm trying super hard not to spiral down into depressions like I've done in the past.  What can I do while he is in this mode?


I have been on the path of recovery for almost three years after living with an addiction for over 40 years.  I am currently living in Cambodia and the resources here for recovery are limited.  Your podcasts help to provide a ray of hope for restoration of my marriage.  I understand the need to have regular counseling sessions to work on areas in my life.  That presents a bit of a challenge here.  I wonder if you could recommend a counselor that might be available for video conferences. 


We are in an area where resources such as groups are scarce and our finances are too. What is some basic recovery work we can access without having to put out thousands of dollars? Maybe a basic recovery plan resource? 


My husband disclosed his affair over a year ago, but last year on Valentine’s Day he wrote a love letter/text to his affair partner. I found it, and that did not go over well. He tried to sell it as a “goodbye letter”.  Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I’m kind of dreading it. How do you navigate hard days that triggering?  When we’ve talked about the letter in the past he tells me “that that’s how he felt and there is that part of him that exists. He doesn’t need to feed it but it’s still there.” That doesn’t ever sit well with me. Can you explain the acceptance aspect of feeling for someone else? Or what goes on when that connection exists and doesn’t just disappear? 


In what ways is your Shattered to Thriving program different and similar to a 12 step program?


I don’t want this in my life and have been doing really well in my recovery the last several months but I feel lately that what my wife says or does can trigger me back to addictive behaviors.


How do I strengthen my recovery to a point where what my wife is doing or saying doesn’t affect my recovery?


I’m struggling to attend church because I feel so disconnected and isolated and some of the discussions are difficult because of people not understanding what we are going through and when people ask me how I’m doing I don’t know how to answer appropriately and I either over share or avoid but it’s all uncomfortable. Any tips for navigating this area of my life while I heal? I really don’t even want to go 


What is the BEST WAY for the BETRAYED to disclose a discovery of betrayal without coming across as accusatory, pushing the addict into defense/denial? What’s the best way to get an honest disclosure from them about a discovery?